Learning to Let Go...

Today is the five month anniversary of the loss of the baby. I would be thirty-one weeks and two days pregnant if I actually were still pregnant. That is almost, to the day exactly where I was at three years ago when I was expecting Gabriel. Things didn't turn out that way this time.

The doctor I spoke with concering my miscarriage said we could try to get pregnant again after one normal cycle and a blood pregnancy test showing that my levels hcg-the hormone that sustains a pregnancy-was at zero. Well, both of those have happened and we were back on track to try to conceive by mid-September. So far five cycles have come and gone, and nothing. I try not to give up hope, knowing it took us a about a year, give or take a couple months to conceive each time before.

I am getting tired of waiting. I may have to accept the fact that I will only have two children here on earth, plus one in heaven, and that may be it for me. That is much more than many couples get, I should be grateful for two healthy boys, some people never even get one child even after years of trying. At thirty-six, my years left to have children are dwindling, and the odds get worse with each passing month.

I need to learn to let go. Let go of all the baby clothes stashed in boxes, long outgrown by Elijah and Gabriel, kept in anticipation of another baby. Throwing out the infant carseat that is going to expire in February...we thought we could use it for just a couple months after baby 3 was big enough to ride rear-facing in the Marathon...we'd squeak by. Now, even if I ever have another baby, it will be long out of date and unsafe to use even for that short timeframe. Selling all of the baby "stuff" like the swing, pack-n-play, crib, exersaucer, baby toys, so someone else will get use of them. Donate my maternity clothes, which at this point, I feel like I will never get to wear again. Letting go of the STUFF might make it easier to let go of the fact I may never have another baby of my own.

I always laugh and tell people that the irony of letting go of all of the stuff will surely result in me being pregnant again and having to start over from scratch with baby supplies. I would gladly do that just for the chance to have another baby.

What No One Can Talk About

It's been a month now since this photo was taken. I was exactly eight weeks pregnant when I took this, just beginning to get the baby bump. My plan was to start here and then take a picture every four weeks, just to chronicle this pregnancy.

I never made it to the second photo...I lost this baby at ten weeks, two days. I am absolutely devastated. This is my first experience with miscarriage. My previous two pregnancies, while difficult from severe morning sickness and fatigue, otherwise went smoothly and resulted in two very healthy babies. I am always somewhat nervous the first trimester, since that is the time that "things can go wrong" and the chance of miscarriage is the greatest. Once I hit week twelve I breath a sigh of relief, in fact I feel more relieved with each passing week as it brings me closer to week twelve.

This time around felt no different, the all day nausea, bone-crushing fatigue, and near constant trips to the bathroom, while unpleasant, were indicating that the hormones in my body were doing their thing at sustaining this baby. I would be more worried if I had no symptoms at all. I sailed into week ten thinking: only two more weeks and I can tell everyone about this baby. Just fourteen more days. At this point only my parents, my mother-in-law, and just a couple other people knew.

I feel now like I became to complacent. I should have kept worrying. Only a couple days after the reassuring thoughts, the cramping and the spotting began. Blood tests done over the next couple days confirmed my HCG levels were dropping. The first check revealed the levels were somewhat low for ten weeks, a second test done only two days later showed they had dropped by over two thirds.

As of this post, the physical symptoms have disappeared. What sucks is that I feel like I am not allowed to talk about it. There feels like some sort of secret shame if I would even bring this up. So, I feel like I must suffer in silence, lest I put a damper on anyone else's good day. I feel some sort of unspoken pressure to "just get over it." If only it were that simple. I would love to just get over it and get on with my life, but I can't because I feel like I am not allowed mourn the loss of this baby, because I feel like I am not even supposed to acknowledge the existence of this baby.

Pregnancy Test Giveaway!

http://awomansplaceis.blogspot.com/2012/04/giant-pregnancy-test-giveaway.html

Hope I win...I only have on test left of my own!

Update on Lent 2012

Although it's been less than a week, I've been making progress so far for my Lenten goals.

Facebook- I gave it up for Lent. Haven't peeked once. This is probably for the best, since all of the anti-Catholic comments I see on the live feed weren't doing me any good and just anger provoking.

40 Bags in 40 days- So far, so good. I filled one bag each the first two days. Friday was a little hectice with work, so made up for it on Sat. and Sun. by filling approximately 3 bags full of stuff.

Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament- this the most important! I had slacked off going since Elijah became a toddler. I signed up to be the regular Saturdays at 9 pm. I am so glad I did. This is so good for me spiritually, plus it is an entire hour where I can sit in silence and actually pray, and be in the Real Presence of Jesus.

40 Bags in 40 Days

I saw some other moms posting this on their blogs. You basically take one trash bag a day, fill it with stuff you don't use/need anymore, and either toss it or donate it. Regular household trash doesn't count...must be the extra stuff just laying around. Only one bag per day, no more, no less. If there is more stuff ready to go, wait until the next day to fill another bag.


I think it will be a great Lenten exercise, plus it will really help me get motivated to kick it into high gear with the decluttering. I think I will begin with the bathroom today! I am going to start with plastic grocery bags and upgrade to larger trash bags if needed.

Pictures to come!

An Important Milestone

Well, maybe not super important, but I have realized that this September marks five years that I have either:

Been pregnant
Nursing
Both at the same time.

Wow...that is quite a lot! If God sees fit to bless me with anymore children anytime soon, that time will be extended even longer.

Wednesday's Walgreens Trip

I am still on a school supplies kick, and of course this is the best time of year to get that kind of stuff. It's way overpriced any other time of year. Here's how it breaks down:

3 10 count Crayola markers, .99 ea. with Wags coupon

2 Elmers glue sticks and 1 Elmers glue .79 ea. with Wags coupon

3 boxes Kraft mac n cheese, .69 ea. with Wags coupon

I also had a $1 RR to use as well

My total cost for this trip was $6.80.

We are pretty much set for school supplies now, which weren't really bad to begin with, since Elijah is only going to be starting preschool. I will really have to work for deals in a few more years, when both kids will be in school!

Saturday Shopping Trip at Walgreens

I got everything in this picture, plus another box of watercolors, for 9.08! It breaks down as follows:

-24 count Crayola crayons $1-$1RR = 0

-10 count Crayola markers .99

-2 Crayola watercolors 2/$3 with Wags coupon

-2 Crayola colored pencils 2/$3 with Wags coupon

-2 Kotex on sale 2/$5- a 1/1.50 catalina stacked with a 2/$2 coupon

Brand Loyaly

I still coupon quite a bit, trying to get the things my family needs either for very cheap or even for free. I have learned that you cannot be brand loyal to save the most money. However, there are a few select items that I will only buy a particular brand, even if it means paying more for them. I still try to stock up if that item is on sale, but won't go with something else even if it is cheaper.

Brands I am loyal to:

Huggies Wipes
I have tried other brands, including generics, none are as thick or as high quality. For generics, I have use more wipes to clean each mess, so I actually come out ahead just buying the Huggies wipes in the first place.

Finish Quantum Dishwasher Tabs
These get the dishes cleaner and shinier than any other detergent or tabs I've tried. They are pricey, but I use coupons and watch the sales to stock up. I will never use anything else in the dishwasher again, even if I have to pay full price. The Quantum tabs have never left behind any food residue or spots, so they are worth it!


Jon Frieda Frizz-Ease Conditioner
I recently bought this only because I had coupons plus there was a great gift card deal for it at Target. Turns out it is great for my hair! I have very thick, coarse, curly hair, and this product does a lot to tame the "frizz halo" that I seem to constantly have.

Stuff I don't care what brand it is:

Paper Products
I use washable towels in the kitchen about 75% of the time. For really gross stuff I will use paper towels, but I use less than one roll a month. So it doesn't really matter what kind, as long as they are cheaper than the rest. Bathroom tissue doesn't matter either, as long as it is two-ply.

Laundry Detergent
If I can get a great deal, it is formulated for HE washers, and I like the scent, it's fine.

Disposable Razors
If I pay less than $1.00 a pack using coupons and sales, those are what I buy.

Body Wash/Soap
If I can get it free or under $1, and it smells OK, it's fine.

Too Traditional or Not Traditional Enough?

I really hate labels, most of the time. One thing I have noticed on the internet is that various adjectives are used to label the type of Catholic someone is. For example: "He is a liberal Catholic, she is a cultural Catholic, I am a traditional Catholic" and on and on. I notice these adjective are most often used in a pejorative sense when refering to someone else, but used in a positve light when refering to one's self.

And amidst all of this I wonder, "Where do I fit in?"

There are various factions on the internet and in real life-although I haven't met any in real life, they obviously exist- that believe that a traditional Catholic does certain things. Traditional Catholics only attend Mass in the Extrordinary Form, receive Communion on the tongue only. The list gets longer if you happen to be a traditional Catholic woman. Traditional Catholic women only ever skirts or dresses, always cover their heads at Mass, never work outside the home, homeschool their children, etc, etc, etc.

Some of these things I already do. Many of these things I aspire to do, but can't because of my life's circumstances. I believe in everything our holy Church teaches and strive every day to follow those teachings to the best of my ability. I try to live the life that Jesus wants me to live. I attend Mass every Sunday, but I go to the Ordinary Form, the nearest EF is nearly an hour away, and only offered once a month at that location. My parish does a good job of presenting what the Church teaches, not just glossing over it, and the Masses are reverent. I receive Communion on the tongue only. I go to Confession once a month, more often if I need it.

I don't say this to brag, but to make a point. In some circles, what I am doing would STILL not be good enough, I would be written off as lost. Why? Well, I don't wear skirts or dresses all the time (to Mass, yes, otherwise no), I don't cover my head at Mass (mostly too self-conscious, I would be the only woman in my parish doing this and it would really stand out). I work outside the home, I have to, we are a working class family. I won't be able to homeschool, and may even have to send my children to public school because of finances. I am also in a mixed marriage.

I also want to clarify that many tradtional Catholics realize that many of these practices, such as skirts only and head covering are personal practices that help them feel closer to God. That's great, personal devotions are very important, and I have nothing but respect for those who practice them and are humble about it. But, there is another segment who let judgement sound out loud and clear that I must not be serious about my faith if I don't follow ALL of the various personal devotions. That because I wear pants or don't cover my head or plan on homeschooling my children or work outside the home I am not really, truly Catholic. It doesn't matter that I truly believe that Jesus is present in the Eucharist, body, blood, soul, and divinity. It doesn't matter that I feel handing my Faith down to my children is of extreme importance to me. It doesn't matter that I reject the secular world's contraceptive mentality and choose to follow what the Church teaches in that regard.

So, I end this post full circle right back where I started it. Where DO I fit in? I don't feel like I would be accepted by those who self-identify as "traditional" nor do I in any way fit in with those who cherry pick what the Church teaches or want it to change. I guess I will do my best to make my own way and keep searching for the Truth.