Learning to Let Go...

Today is the five month anniversary of the loss of the baby. I would be thirty-one weeks and two days pregnant if I actually were still pregnant. That is almost, to the day exactly where I was at three years ago when I was expecting Gabriel. Things didn't turn out that way this time.

The doctor I spoke with concering my miscarriage said we could try to get pregnant again after one normal cycle and a blood pregnancy test showing that my levels hcg-the hormone that sustains a pregnancy-was at zero. Well, both of those have happened and we were back on track to try to conceive by mid-September. So far five cycles have come and gone, and nothing. I try not to give up hope, knowing it took us a about a year, give or take a couple months to conceive each time before.

I am getting tired of waiting. I may have to accept the fact that I will only have two children here on earth, plus one in heaven, and that may be it for me. That is much more than many couples get, I should be grateful for two healthy boys, some people never even get one child even after years of trying. At thirty-six, my years left to have children are dwindling, and the odds get worse with each passing month.

I need to learn to let go. Let go of all the baby clothes stashed in boxes, long outgrown by Elijah and Gabriel, kept in anticipation of another baby. Throwing out the infant carseat that is going to expire in February...we thought we could use it for just a couple months after baby 3 was big enough to ride rear-facing in the Marathon...we'd squeak by. Now, even if I ever have another baby, it will be long out of date and unsafe to use even for that short timeframe. Selling all of the baby "stuff" like the swing, pack-n-play, crib, exersaucer, baby toys, so someone else will get use of them. Donate my maternity clothes, which at this point, I feel like I will never get to wear again. Letting go of the STUFF might make it easier to let go of the fact I may never have another baby of my own.

I always laugh and tell people that the irony of letting go of all of the stuff will surely result in me being pregnant again and having to start over from scratch with baby supplies. I would gladly do that just for the chance to have another baby.