Learning to Let Go...

Today is the five month anniversary of the loss of the baby. I would be thirty-one weeks and two days pregnant if I actually were still pregnant. That is almost, to the day exactly where I was at three years ago when I was expecting Gabriel. Things didn't turn out that way this time.

The doctor I spoke with concering my miscarriage said we could try to get pregnant again after one normal cycle and a blood pregnancy test showing that my levels hcg-the hormone that sustains a pregnancy-was at zero. Well, both of those have happened and we were back on track to try to conceive by mid-September. So far five cycles have come and gone, and nothing. I try not to give up hope, knowing it took us a about a year, give or take a couple months to conceive each time before.

I am getting tired of waiting. I may have to accept the fact that I will only have two children here on earth, plus one in heaven, and that may be it for me. That is much more than many couples get, I should be grateful for two healthy boys, some people never even get one child even after years of trying. At thirty-six, my years left to have children are dwindling, and the odds get worse with each passing month.

I need to learn to let go. Let go of all the baby clothes stashed in boxes, long outgrown by Elijah and Gabriel, kept in anticipation of another baby. Throwing out the infant carseat that is going to expire in February...we thought we could use it for just a couple months after baby 3 was big enough to ride rear-facing in the Marathon...we'd squeak by. Now, even if I ever have another baby, it will be long out of date and unsafe to use even for that short timeframe. Selling all of the baby "stuff" like the swing, pack-n-play, crib, exersaucer, baby toys, so someone else will get use of them. Donate my maternity clothes, which at this point, I feel like I will never get to wear again. Letting go of the STUFF might make it easier to let go of the fact I may never have another baby of my own.

I always laugh and tell people that the irony of letting go of all of the stuff will surely result in me being pregnant again and having to start over from scratch with baby supplies. I would gladly do that just for the chance to have another baby.

What No One Can Talk About

It's been a month now since this photo was taken. I was exactly eight weeks pregnant when I took this, just beginning to get the baby bump. My plan was to start here and then take a picture every four weeks, just to chronicle this pregnancy.

I never made it to the second photo...I lost this baby at ten weeks, two days. I am absolutely devastated. This is my first experience with miscarriage. My previous two pregnancies, while difficult from severe morning sickness and fatigue, otherwise went smoothly and resulted in two very healthy babies. I am always somewhat nervous the first trimester, since that is the time that "things can go wrong" and the chance of miscarriage is the greatest. Once I hit week twelve I breath a sigh of relief, in fact I feel more relieved with each passing week as it brings me closer to week twelve.

This time around felt no different, the all day nausea, bone-crushing fatigue, and near constant trips to the bathroom, while unpleasant, were indicating that the hormones in my body were doing their thing at sustaining this baby. I would be more worried if I had no symptoms at all. I sailed into week ten thinking: only two more weeks and I can tell everyone about this baby. Just fourteen more days. At this point only my parents, my mother-in-law, and just a couple other people knew.

I feel now like I became to complacent. I should have kept worrying. Only a couple days after the reassuring thoughts, the cramping and the spotting began. Blood tests done over the next couple days confirmed my HCG levels were dropping. The first check revealed the levels were somewhat low for ten weeks, a second test done only two days later showed they had dropped by over two thirds.

As of this post, the physical symptoms have disappeared. What sucks is that I feel like I am not allowed to talk about it. There feels like some sort of secret shame if I would even bring this up. So, I feel like I must suffer in silence, lest I put a damper on anyone else's good day. I feel some sort of unspoken pressure to "just get over it." If only it were that simple. I would love to just get over it and get on with my life, but I can't because I feel like I am not allowed mourn the loss of this baby, because I feel like I am not even supposed to acknowledge the existence of this baby.

Pregnancy Test Giveaway!

http://awomansplaceis.blogspot.com/2012/04/giant-pregnancy-test-giveaway.html

Hope I win...I only have on test left of my own!

Update on Lent 2012

Although it's been less than a week, I've been making progress so far for my Lenten goals.

Facebook- I gave it up for Lent. Haven't peeked once. This is probably for the best, since all of the anti-Catholic comments I see on the live feed weren't doing me any good and just anger provoking.

40 Bags in 40 days- So far, so good. I filled one bag each the first two days. Friday was a little hectice with work, so made up for it on Sat. and Sun. by filling approximately 3 bags full of stuff.

Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament- this the most important! I had slacked off going since Elijah became a toddler. I signed up to be the regular Saturdays at 9 pm. I am so glad I did. This is so good for me spiritually, plus it is an entire hour where I can sit in silence and actually pray, and be in the Real Presence of Jesus.

40 Bags in 40 Days

I saw some other moms posting this on their blogs. You basically take one trash bag a day, fill it with stuff you don't use/need anymore, and either toss it or donate it. Regular household trash doesn't count...must be the extra stuff just laying around. Only one bag per day, no more, no less. If there is more stuff ready to go, wait until the next day to fill another bag.


I think it will be a great Lenten exercise, plus it will really help me get motivated to kick it into high gear with the decluttering. I think I will begin with the bathroom today! I am going to start with plastic grocery bags and upgrade to larger trash bags if needed.

Pictures to come!